March 20th, 2006
Do we never really change?
One likes to have the idea (since the student movement in the late sixties and since the therapy movement in the early seventies), one could change fundamentally.
I see a picture in India 1970, where I pose with Hippie outfit. And before, in 1969 in Berlin, with Parka outfit. Thus I changed within a year ' totally '.
One meets someone after 10-20 years again and the feeling is: the other person has genuinely totally changed in a good way. After they had to do with one another a couple of hours, a couple of months, or perhaps even a couple of years, again the old clash results: We cannot cope with each other - and the question is now: why? because the old constellation has made itself known newly here again?
With Walter, I think, since 1975 he has changed a lot in a positive way, but in the end however, the old story persists, he has never been able to change his main background: he still is a kinsman of that tribe named 'Take'. In between, he has worked on it, that one could think he would be able finally also to give (in the emphatic way of meaning), but he could never endure for this - he could not hold out that seriously. For instance, hard boiled, in company he almost always smoked large quantities of other’s cigarettes, cigars or joints. And this certainly without any regret or feelings of shame. It is obvious that in more serious matters this statistical bias can yield troublesome problems.
With Werner, I am the opinion he is somehow much more gently and for a number of philosophical themes to a greater degree accessible now. However if it comes to the point, I have the believe, the brand-new family-therapist to a large extent is inapproachable and as brokenly as in former times (15 years ago).
If I think back of Willi, then a lot of people had difficulties with him in the sixties because he promised them something to what he wanted never to adhere. But people relied on that what he told. In his later years, he harnessed us for various women so to speak as crown witnesses of his seriousness. We didn't go along with that sometime any more. At those years, I assumed actually originally, that he had changed somehow definitely! His living together with his 20-year-old son (of the same age with my own son of whom I was parted) in the same apartment in Cologne had impressed me particularly.
The question is: had Willi changed since 1969?
Apparently yes! He was a small hero of the RAF in between (had he raided not even a bank?). An arrogant travelling revolutionary occasionally in a fittingly suit who mocked about ‘art’ or ‘literature’. Landed in prison and finally lived in Cologne in subsidized low-rent housing and got welfare or charity because of mainly being unemployd. He now got some peace. For instance, he would like to improve his way of painting – and he donated us some very nice drawings.
He could fuck beautiful emancipation women without problems under a purple canopy in his RAFs sympathizer times in the various Cologne apartment-sharing student’s community apartments where he found a shelter. He could seduce middle-aged emancipation women in a masterly manner in those later years. At the end for example, a miserable wife of a policeman suffering from cancer had to believe in him in a Senatorium. (The funny thing was: we, his friends, should appear, so to speak, as respectable witnesses to his best intentions at the right time on stage. What we foolishly did occasionally).
In other words, on the one hand we had a favorably changed Willi. On the other hand a Willi determined still more exactly.
Well, those were a few examples. I guess, the older we will become, the more such examples will we be able to enumerate.
How does this look with me, with myself?
Are there unfathomable incommoding programs within me which are existing lifelong without being grasped ever by myself?
What could it be for instance?